Title: Shadowland (Chapters 11-15)
Author: Misty4me
Rating: NC-17
Characters: Beckett, McKay, Sheppard, Weir, Zelenka
Pairing: Beckett/McKay
Summary: Post Trinity.
CHAPTER 11.
Rodney didn’t know what to do with himself after Biro threw them out of the infirmary with the admonishment to get some rest. Carson wasn't not in any shape for visitors and besides, all three are exhausted. John’s hand had been rebandaged, but no one really wanted to go back to real life, or as real as life on Atlantis gets. He wandered by the mess hoping for an early breakfast but ended up settling for a power bar and passing out fully-clothed in his room. Waking at noon he found a lunch tray on his desk. The note beside it written in John’s hand, telling him that there’s been no change in Carson’s condition and Dr. Ikejaku goes on shift at two PM.
Dr. Biro doesn’t suffer visitors in the infirmary gracefully, making it hard on everyone who is waiting for news of Carson and Radek. Ikejaku is more understanding, he won’t let anyone sit with Carson for fear of exposing him to infection but they are allowed a few brief minutes. Visits with Radek are longer but just as silent, the conversations just as one-sided. The Czech scientist’s condition adds to the burden, he hasn’t shown any signs of regaining consciousness and the longer he lingers, the more worrying it is.
Zelenka without his glasses; the sight unnerves Rodney as much as seeing him walk into the lab naked would. The stark white bandage isn’t anywhere near as disturbing as seeing Radek’s face without its armor. Rodney wondered if he’d ever look up again, just in time to see the man push his glasses back up his nose?
Teyla and Ronan stop by around three, inviting Rodney for a cup of coffee and snack, but find him nodding off over his laptop. When he declines, Teyla insists on walking him back to his quarters, “You must go to your room and rest, Doctor.”
It goes on like that for the next few days. Someone makes sure Rodney eats and sleeps, runs interference for him with his staff, makes sure he knows when he can visit. When it isn’t Sheppard’s team, it’s Weir. Even his scientists pitch in, magically refilling empty coffee cups and making sure that power bars appear when needed. No one says anything to him, for which he’s grateful. Even Kavanaugh remains silent, accepting whatever caustic comments the boss doles out without seeming to notice.
The only relief from the tension is Radek’s recovery. He wakes early one morning when Rodney and one of the nurses are the only people in the infirmary. They feed him sips of water and send him back to sleep, smiling at each other for the first time in days. Through it all, Rodney realizes somewhere in the back of his mind that he is being taken care of, that these people care about him. He has been living in the shadows of his former life with such determination that he can’t let himself think about that too closely. He should be angry about it but when he tries, he can’t. One more thing he’s failed at and he just doesn’t care. Add it to the list for things to fix later, right now it feels too good and damnit, he deserves a break.
“Hey, how is he?” John saunters in and leans against the empty bed across from Carson. The doctor is off the ventilator after only 48 hours, once he started triggering it on his own. It’s a been a day and a half now, Biro and Ikejaku keep telling them that it’s just a matter of time before he wakes up.
John reaches into his pocket and tosses Rodney a power bar. Now that Carson’s not critical anymore, Rodney has staked a claim beside his bed and even Biro’s wrath hasn’t been able to budge him. Ikejaku finds the whole thing amusing, and stops by the Infirmary in his off hours to check on his patient and watch the fireworks. This is Rodney at his best, the old Rodney, stubborn, snarky, insulting, underneath it all, caring. Ikejaku and John have a bet on how long it will take Biro to throw something at him.
“What’s this for?” Rodney catches it and snaps.
“You need to eat. Shut up and don’t argue.” John uses his best Team Leader look on him, which has Rodney scowling. “Rodney, just accept it.” Rodney stares at the bar in his hand then up at John, who is still leaning, the casual stance completely at odds with his uncertainty. When their eyes meet there’s a pool of unspoken regret in the hazel ones and grudging acceptance in the blue. There’s still too much to be said for it to be over, but for now, it will do.
“Accepted.”
“So answer my question.”
“A veritable font of entertaining chatter.” And he gives Sheppard a look that says, ‘Even you, Colonel, are sharp enough to see he’s still sleeping.’
John just smiles in response because this is the Rodney that they’ve all missed. It’s a good sign and Sheppard is inordinately glad to be flayed by Rodney’s tongue even if the edge is a little blunted. They settle in for a few minutes, the silence isn’t strained like it has been in the past few days. Biro has declared Carson out of danger, though no one knows what the long term effects on his lungs will be. If it’s bad enough he will have to return to Earth permanently, but that’s too far off to worry about now.
“I wish he would wake up.” Rodney doesn’t know why he says it, and to Sheppard of all people. Elizabeth he could understand, the sympathetic female soul and all that.
“Me too, I owe him an apology, a couple actually.” Rodney doesn’t really have a response for that, so he just sits without saying anything. “Owe you too.” This is dangerous terrain John’s scouting, not sure if he’s going to come out in one piece.
“Just a couple?”
“Well, I did babysit him for you. That should count for something.” John ducks his head at Carson and now Rodney is staring at him, those intense blue eyes focused like they focus on the Ancient technology, and he has it figured out.
“How many others know?”
“Officially? Just the Team, Weir, Lorne. Unofficially? Anyone who hasn’t guessed is stupid or doesn’t want to know.” Rodney doesn’t know how he feels about being out. This expedition is heavily military, and while most people don’t have a real problem with gay relationships in theory, having one rubbed in their face is entirely another matter.
“So Carson…?”
“Told me, yeah. One night when he was ripping me a new one for being such a lousy friend to you.”
“I would have liked to see that.” Rodney can’t help but grin a little. The idea of Carson coming to his defense warms him. He’s seen the good doctor frustrated, annoyed, solemn, in charge, and a whole host of other things, but never truly angry. Judging from Sheppard’s face it is impressive.
“You would have liked the scene in the conference room with all of us, even better.” That gets Rodney’s attention . “It was…memorable.”
“Remind me never to piss him off.”
John follows the other man’s gaze. Taking in the still too pale skin and the shallow rise and fall of Beckett’s breathing. “Too late. Trust me.”
Another three hours of sitting and waiting and Rodney is finally rewarded. There have been stirrings for the last hour, signs, Ikejaku says, of him waking. Rodney works, oblivious to the passing time until some slight change in the room draws his attention away from the work he’s doing. Looking up he sees what he thinks is the most breathtaking sight in two galaxies. Blue eyes blink, barely open, trying to adjust to the light.
“Hey.” Rodney can’t hear if Carson answers him, his heart is beating so loudly. He reaches for the ice bucket automatically, spoons out a minute chip, slips it between dry cracked lips. The eyes close again but there is gentle pressure on his hand where he’s holding onto Carson’s.
Later that morning Biro shoots Rodney a dirty look as she leaves Carson’s side, long since resigned to his continued presence. “He’s awake for now, don’t tire him out.”
When Rodney enters he’s greeted by blue eyes and a weak but brilliant smile. It is the best day ever in Atlantis. “Hey.” He pulls the chair up close once more, takes Carson’s hand and sighs. It feels good having him respond. “Biro says you’re going to be okay.”
“Feel like shiet!” The words are weak, but the brogue is there and it makes Rodney laugh.
“You know she’s the second coming of Atilla the Hun, don’t you? You owe people here a lot for not killing her by now.” The slight laugh turns into a cough and Rodney reaches for the ice again, holding some up for Carson to take.
“S’a good doctor.”
“Yeah, but they miss you. You’re all soft and squishy. Makes the voodoo easier to take.”
“Squishy my arse.” It is almost strong enough to really sound outraged.
“TMI guys.” John has slipped in quietly to avoid Biro but he can’t help grinning at what he’s hearing and seeing.
The next few days,Carson sleeps more than he is awake. The pain from his shoulder is still intense and the pain killers make it hard to stay awake. Eventually though, he can stay with them for two or three hours at a time. Rodney spends time in the lab, time visiting with Radek who has been discharged to quarters, and time by Carson’s side, working if the Scot is sleeping when he visits.
“Rodney.” It’s Elizabeth. He tenses, the memory of the last time she called him unexpectedly still too fresh. Relaxing, forcing slow breaths as he puts the artifact he’s holding on the lab table, he answers, “Here.”
“Dr. Ikejaku says you can join Carson for lunch, you can even bring him some soup, bread and pudding.”
They eat in silence, Carson relishing his first real meal in more than a week. Blue jello and broth have gotten old quickly. He doesn’t eat all of it but what he does tastes like heaven, though it makes him sleepy. “I’m not gonna last long, luv. Sorry.”
One small word and it brings the great Rodney McKay to a screeching halt. They have been dancing around the issue since Carson was awake enough to remember all of what happened. Sheppard, the team, Weir, even Radek have all kept their counsel but it has been increasingly hard. Rodney has let down his guard enough to accept their friendship again, though even that is tentative. But now that he is out of danger, letting Carson back in is a totally different matter. Scary.
Rodney looks up and reads intent in the other man’s eyes. Leave it to Beckett to push it, even as sick as he is. “Look, Carson, I….” It would almost be comical if Rodney’s wide eyes and panicked breathing weren’t directed at him.
“Shhh, listen to me, Rodney. ‘Meant what I said. I love, ye. But I understand if…well…if thas not what you want.” Carson has given him an out. He can walk away, maybe they’ll still be friends, but really, how likely is that? He doesn’t think that either of them could stand it. So here he is, faced with the choice between courage and safety. If he chooses safety he and Carson will be acquaintances, still social but no more than that. They will have less and less to do with one another until one of them finds someone else and whoever is left out will watch painfully from the sidelines. And then a thought strikes him. If he says no, Carson will leave Atlantis. It will be the easiest thing for them both, Beckett’s research be damned. He realizes that Carson would give up all of this just to make him happy and what a sacrifice that would be, because Rodney knows that despite the fear and the homesickness, Carson loves the challenge that Pegasus represents and the people he’s come to call family.
Wow.
Swallowing and stamping down the voice in his head that is panicking and telling him to go ahead and be selfish, be safe, accept the sacrifice as his due, he leans forward and kisses the lips that he’s missed for longer than he wants to admit. It’s a gentle kiss, shy, tentative because he really, really is scared to death. Carson knows it, sees the longing and terror in Rodney’s eyes. Reaching up with his good hand, he wraps it around the back of Rodney’s neck and deepens the kiss just enough to say ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ without speaking a word.
When they part Rodney leans his forehead against the other man’s. He plans on just enjoying the contact, but instead words begin to pour out, “When I saw you impaled on that damn thing and there was so much blood and you acted surprised that I would even come…God Carson don’t ever put me through that again. You wouldn’t stop bleeding and I almost lost you and damn if you didn’t go and almost die again. I really hate it when that happens because you know, I am just not gonna be able to rescue one of you one of these times and that would so totally suck…” Fingers brush across his lips pressing, stopping him from saying any more. They trail across his cheek, through the wetness that has poured out along with the fear and reach to pull him into another kiss.
CHAPTER 12.
Rodney was sitting on the bed with laundry piled around him when the door slid open. He looked up to see the Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Weir standing just outside the door, looking tentative. Finally Elizabeth smiled and the two walked in, “Hello Rodney.” He went to stand up but she waved him off, sitting herself down at the other end and pulling her feet up to tuck them under her legs. “What are you doing?” John moved to lean against the wall to one side.
“Carson gets out of the infirmary tomorrow. I thought I’d clean up around here so he didn’t come home to a mess.” It was true, as far as it went. He was tidying up. They didn’t need to know that he was also hiding here to spend some time thinking. Maybe if he played along they would leave him alone.
“That’s nice of you. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Can we help?”
“No thank you.”
“Rodney, please?” she laid her hand over his, stopping him from the nervous folding and unfolding he’d been doing.
“I can handle it myself.” His voice reflected the tension she’d felt at her touch. She removed her hand from his.
“I’m sure you can, but we’d like to.” Her calm was infuriating, he wasn’t stupid and could tell he was being handled like some sort of delicate negotiation fraught with obstacles and objections to be overcome. It felt….patronizing. A sudden intense anger rose up but unlike the Rodney of a few weeks ago, he held it in check. John was the one who saw the tightening of his jaw and the way his hands clamped down on the jeans sitting in his lap. Eyes wide, Sheppard signaled silently for Weir to stay quiet but she didn’t see or chose to ignore him. “He’s our friend too.”
One sharp breath and his eyes narrowed. “Well excuse me if I don’t find the idea of your friendship reassuring.” Elizabeth’s eyes widened and a flush crept up her face at the bitterness in his voice, bitterness she’d helped put there. She’d hoped that the last few days had shown him they really did care, that they he could take a chance and let them back in, “Oh…I’m sorry, Rodney. I thought…”
“Thought what, Elizabeth? That all was forgiven? That we would all just go on from here and forget any of this ever happened?” His eyes didn’t waver from hers, “Sorry to disappoint you but I’m not that big a person.”
That was exactly what she had been hoping for. A nice easy solution, Rodney letting bygones be bygones, no need to actually go into what had happened, his arrogance, their spitefulness, everyone’s unrealistic expectations. She’d wanted a diplomatic solution to the problem. Silence stretched as she tried to think of something to say. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come.” The door opened and she was gone before he could respond.
Rodney stared at the empty space she left behind, then slumped, tired and a little guilty. “Nice McKay, feel better?” He’d forgotten John was still there, standing off to the side, watching.
“Go to hell, Colonel. Better yet, just leave.” He prayed that the other man would just go, but of course the gods and John Sheppard couldn’t just for once make his life easy.
“Damn it Rodney, we came here to apologize.” The casual flyboy had given way to a look that usually only surfaced when things were going to hell in the field. Sheppard was pissed.
“Oh, well excuse me Colonel if I don’t feel obligated to assuage your guilt. How telling that you think a few power bars and some laundry duty are sufficient price to win back my trust.” Sheppard flinched as Rodney continued on, “Don’t you think it would be wise if you found a replacement for me on your team. I doubt either of us is going to be comfortable with the other watching his back.”
John gaped at Rodney, speechless for once. Somehow the gulf between them had just gotten wider. When he did finally find his voice it was to insist, “I don’t want you off my team!”
“It’s for the best.” Why couldn’t Sheppard just let it go?
“C’mon Rodney, don’t do this! You know I trust you. If I didn’t I would have replaced you right away.”
Rodney said the one thing there wasn’t any answer for, “But I don’t trust you, Colonel.” John’s face went blank the way it always did when he was trying to hide his emotions, but Rodney had seen the brief flash of shock and hurt that had slipped out before the mask was in place. The door whooshed open and John was gone before he could say anything else.
Alone again, Rodney headed for the balcony to lean against the rail and let the night breeze cool his anger and confusion. It was late enough in the Atlantean day that sunset was just about over, hints of purple and rose still marking the line between sea and sky. It was quiet and the sound of the ocean was soothing to his frayed nerves. Sheppard and Weir were just the icing on a long miserable day. Not wanting to think about the look on John’s face, he forced himself to focus on Carson. He should be happy that Beckett was being released in the morning but instead he was dreading it. The infirmary had meant boundaries on what they could do and say, it had been idyllic in a way, preventing them from dealing with the issues between them. Once Carson was here, Rodney knew he was going to have to face the consequences of everything he’d done the last few weeks.
Of all of them, Carson had been the one who stood by him, the one who least deserved what he’d been handed. Even Rodney had to admit that his behavior that day warranted some of the reaction he’d gotten from Sheppard and Radek. At least those two had a right to be mad at him, he’d been arrogant, insulting, and so damn sure he was right. It wasn’t even like he had impending doom as an excuse. The Wraith weren’t bearing down on them, it wouldn’t have hurt to wait and analyze the data from the first test before trying again. All in all he could have handled their righteous anger if he’d still felt like they were his friends. It was discovering how flimsy the friendship was that had shaken him so much. He didn’t need friends who ducked and ran whenever he made a mistake.
The temperature was dropping and he shivered. It was going to be a cool night. Thinking the lights up inside, he stretched stiff muscles and headed indoors. The thoughts buzzed in his head, Arcturus, John, Radek, Elizabeth, he’d been down this path so many times and it always ended at the same place. He just didn’t know if he could trust any of them anymore. But that wasn’t the issue with Carson. If anyone had a right to doubt him at this point, it was Carson and damned if he knew whether their relationship was going to survive that. How could he explain that letting Carson stay close would have left him always feeling vulnerable to the others. Rodney wasn’t the kind of man who could do things by halves, he’d needed to cut himself off completely or he’d just get pulled back in again. And wasn’t that just exactly what was happening?
He lay down on the bed and tried to make some sense of the confusion in his head. He’d meant what he said that day in the infirmary, when he’d told Carson he was scared of losing him, all of them. And he’d lied earlier; there was a big part of him that really did just want to forgive and forget. So why was he so angry? Why couldn’t he just get past it?
****
The two days since Beckett had been released from the infirmary were a blur of long naps punctuated with more naps. By rights Drs. Biro and Ikejaku should have kept their patient for a few days longer but they’d finally surrendered after tiring of complaints and extracting promises of good behavior. Rodney had volunteered to be the enforcer and true to his word, he’d doled out medicine and changed bandages, brought food and made his charge eat it. Rodney worked while Carson slept on. For the most part, everyone left them in peace. Teyla and Ronan stopped by daily for a few minutes, and Radek had made his shaky way by.
“I am glad to see you healing, Carson. You …” he gestured as if he could pluck the words he was looking for out of the air, “took ten years off my life.” Beckett didn’t really remember how Radek had been hurt, that the casing had swung down, hitting his head with a sickening thud before it had pinned Carson to the wall. “You too, my friend. It’s good to see you up and about.” They chatted for a bit more before the Czech rose to leave.
“Rodney, a word if you do not mind?” It took a minute but then McKay hit a few keys on the laptop in front of him and saved his work, reluctant to face what he was sure would be yet another unpleasant scene like the one with Weir and Sheppard. Heart beating fast, face carefully neutral, he waited for Radek to speak.
“I want to apologize for my behavior. I did not realize what we were doing to you. It was not my intent to cause you pain but I was angry and not thinking straight. Is not an excuse and I am ashamed to have been such an ass. We used to be friends, I would like to be again.”
Rodney heard the words but he wasn’t processing them, not really. They were so totally unexpected. Carson held his breath, waiting as quietly as Zelenka was to hear Rodney’s response. When all that came was a curt nod of the head, both men were left to wonder what it meant.
CHAPTER 13.
Radek left the two men alone. Carson debated with himself whether or not to push Rodney on what was going on in his mind but before he could decide McKay packed up his laptop, explaining, “It’s been a long morning, you should rest. I need to spend a couple of hours in the lab.”
“That’s all I bloody do!” The frustration behind the words was genuine, “and don’t think that my resting is going to get you out of talking about this.” His stare made it clear that nap or no nap, there would be a conversation. Rodney left after making sure that Carson was settled and had taken his medicine. Someone would stop by with lunch and to see to any needs so that McKay could spend some much needed time catching up with the work and supervising has staff. Of course this was Rodney so the couple of hours turned into a lot more and it was going on six by the time he returned, dinner trays in hand and in a much better mood for the time spent focusing on Ancient technology.
The door slid open and Rodney walked in setting two trays down on the bed with a flourish and a wry, “Dinner, such as it is.” Carson watched him pull a chair over, relieved that the trays contained food that didn’t require two hands to eat it. It was obvious from Rodney’s mood that the time in the lab had been productive. They settled in to eat silently for a few minutes, both content just to have some quiet company. When the food was mostly gone, Carson piped up,
“You had a good day, I can tell.”
“If you can call plowing through reports and discovering that in my absence all the laws of physics have been rewritten, good.” The complaint lacked any real conviction and it didn’t wipe away the quirky grin, so Carson teased, “Then I guess you didn’t get to play with any fiddly bits, did you?”
“Fiddly bits? Only you would call Ancient technology ‘fiddly bits’”
“Oh aye, with all those blinky lights and wee little buttons whatever else would ye call them?” His eyes sparkled as Rodney scowled and rolled his eyes.
“What am I doing trying to talk reason to a man who calls voodoo dolls and rattles science?”
“Ah, but you’re here so I must have some redeeming qualities. So if it’s not my brain, what is it?” Carson had reached for Rodney’s dessert, meaning to steal it but wasn’t quick enough and before the words were out his wrist was trapped.
“Touch that again and you’ll pay!”
“Is that a promise, luv?” That got Rodney’s attention and he looked up, slightly surprised at what he saw. Carson must be feeling better.
“If I can’t touch your dessert, what can I touch?” Carson’s eyes were unnaturally bright and he was staring straight at Rodney, a slight grin lighting his face. It was the look that sent reason packing and heat to his groin. He raised his good arm, using Rodney’s grip on his wrist to pull the other man closer. “I think I could be persuaded to have something else for dessert and leave the pudding for you.” When Rodney’s hand was close enough he blew warm breath across the fingers and nipped at a nearby knuckle.
Rodney let go and tried to scoot back but once again the Scottsman had other ideas. “Carson, we can’t, you’re not…” Fingers brushed along his jaw and slid back to pull him forward into a kiss. It was slow and sweet, and it had been so damn long. He melted into the feel of it, the warmth, the soft fullness, the barest edge of teeth nipping at his lips. Rodney’s cock filled with heat, aching as Carson filled his senses.
When the need for air forced them apart, Rodney shook his head to clear it, “Nononono! We can’t do this.” He stood up and started pacing.
“Rodney, I’ve had all day to lay here and think about it. I know we have to take it easy, but damn it man, I want you!”
McKay was torn, his body, hell his mind was telling him to strip Carson naked and touch every single inch of skin then spend long hours fucking until both of them were senseless. But his conscience wouldn’t let him.
The emotions flickered across Rodney’s face in real time, letting Beckett see just how conflicted his would-be lover was. He sighed, “What is it, luv. What’s the matter?” He reached for Rodney’s hand and snagged it on the way by, commanding. “Sit. Talk to me.”
Unsure where to begin, Rodney blurted out the first thing that came to mind, “Radek came to the lab for a while.”
“And?”
“It felt good, felt almost like before.” He still wouldn’t meet Beckett’s eyes.
“But…”
“No but. I liked it.”
Carson thought about it for few seconds then ventured, “Liked it too much?”
“What happens the next time I screw up?” He waved a hand, seeming to encompass everything that had gone on the last few months.
“Well, that is the question isn’t it? And not one any of us can answer.” He wasn’t going to sugarcoat it.
McKay slumped “You’re only human Rodney. You make mistakes. We all do. Sheppard woke the Wraith, I helped a planet commit suicide. You blew up a solar system. There’ll be more for all of us.”
“God I hope not.” Atheism aside, Rodney prayed that they’d be spared any more of these disasters.
“They were wrong Rodney, and they know it. Sheppard and I, we got away with our mistakes because we didn’t have the reputation for pulling deliverance out of our arses. They forgot you’re just as fallible as anyone else. Hell, even I forget it, sometimes. It scared all of us to be reminded.”
“But you didn’t shut me out.” It was mumbled, quiet.
“No…”
“I did, shut you out. Why aren’t you angry at me?”
“Ah, I see. We haven’t talked about that yet, have we?” Rodney shook his head, not wanting to make eye contact. “Look at me, luv.” He used his good hand to capture Rodney’s chin and force him to meet his eyes. “I trust you not to do it again.”
Searching for any sign of doubt, Rodney sighed when it wasn’t there, “Then you’re not mad at me?”
“Oh, aye, I’m mad at you. You have a lot of making up to do. Doesn’t change the fact that I love you.” The last was almost too much, so they sat in silence for a while before Carson laid a hand on his thigh. “I want you, Rodney. Please? I almost lost you, did lose you for two weeks and right now I just want to be with you.” He hated sounding so needy.
“Have you had any medicine?” When Carson nodded, he continued, “You’ll tell me if I’m hurting you?”
“You worry too much.” He reached out and pulled Rodney to him, chest to chest.
It started out tentatively, the first brush of lips was soft and sweet. Carson closed his eyes and let his whole being feel the play of heat and desire that having Rodney’s mouth on his conjured up. At one point he’d thought he would never have this again. The memory of that pain made him frantic to reclaim lost treasure. He opened his mouth, letting Rodney in and captured the hard questing tongue, sucking on it, letting his own be taken. The warmth and weight of Rodney’s body against his, the feel of a hand on his cheek had him yearning for more skin, letting go and sliding his one good hand down until it found the hem of Rodney’s shirt. God, the feel of skin beneath his finger tips was exquisite, smooth with a dusting of hair. Rodney’s body trembled beneath his touch.
“Clothes….off.” It was all he got out before Rodney reclaimed his mouth. The hand that wasn’t steadying Carson’s head trailed down, careful of the injured shoulder, until it found the waistband of his sweats. Slipping inside, he let his hand rest against the velvet hardness, needing all his control not to come just knowing that he was the one that put the fire there and the look of pure lust in those blue eyes.
“Do something!” Carson’s hips were trying to thrust but the need to protect his injured shoulder made it almost impossible. “Please, oh god, Rodney!”
He leaned in for another kiss and started to fuck Carson’s mouth with his tongue while he stroked the flesh in his hand. It was so good, feeling the body beneath him tremble, hearing the moans that escaped past their joined mouths. He could do this forever, but then he felt Carson’s pulse quicken and his breath hitch. He broke the kiss, wanting to finish it with his mouth but it all went too fast and he had to settle for laying his forehead on Carson’s chest as semen covered his hand.
Rodney lay still until he could feel Carson’s breathing steady. Lifting up, taking his weight off the good shoulder, he nuzzled it, nipping along the top and then down to suck on the one pebbled nipple that wasn’t hidden by bandages or the sling. It was too much, Carson was too sensitive, “Stop! Oh god! Stop before you kill me!”
Rodney settled for another kiss, more leisurely, until he felt Carson’s hand wander down to where his own unsatisfied need was still making his pulse race. “You don’t need to…”
“I know, but I want to. Come here.” Wrapping his good arm around Rodney’s waste he pulled him forward, lightly mouthing his erection through two layers of clothing. “I thought I told you to get rid of these.”
“I guess I got distracted.”
“Well you’re not now, are you?”
Seconds later he was back, straddling Carson now, naked and hard. The arm that wrapped around him pulled forward until he was on his knees, hands pressed against the wall. Warm breath played over his erection, making it twitch with need. Looking down he saw the moment that Carson opened his mouth and took him inside. It was so intense, every inch of him thrummed with the pleasure of being sucked hot and wet. He was past any reason, his hips jerked as the suction increased. Muscles loosened to take him all the way in, convulsed a little around his thickness. A finger slipped between his cheeks, teased at his opening, pressing but not entering. He was babbling, nonsense, begging as he thrust forward into the wet heat and back, wanting to be filled until finally, finally Carson pressed forward into him and Rodney screamed as he came.
CHAPTER 14.
Rodney woke up hoping that he wasn’t dreaming, that the warm familiar bulk of Carson was really next to him. If it wasn’t then his bad mood of the last few weeks was going to look like nothing compared to today. He burrowed deeper into the warmth, face tucked in beside Carson’s waist, arm draped over his stomach. It felt real, smelled real, sounded real as he caught the gentle whisper of steady breathing. Good so far. Looked like he wasn’t dreaming.
They’d fallen asleep with Carson still propped up on the pillows and Rodney by his side. Hours later, McKay had slid down and was nestled at the other man’s side. He shifted, craning his neck to look out from the covers. It was barely light out. They could sleep awhile longer before he had to get up. The movement made Carson’s fingers curl along the nape of his neck sending delicious little shivers down his back. Rodney remembered last night, gasped slightly at the thought of how dearly he’d wanted to touch this man again. He burrowed further in, infinitely thankful that Carson still wanted him. Not dreaming, thank god.
The next time he woke, the doctor was idly carding fingers through his hair. “Mornin’, luv.” Rodney rolled on his back, stretching as he smiled up at his lover. “Coffee.”
“You remember where it is.” Rodney stood, stretched again and Carson stared at the body displayed for him. Rodney had lost weight since coming to Atlantis, most of them had. But now he was thinner, almost too thin. It looked fine on Colonel Sheppard, but not on Rodney’s heavier frame. He made a mental note for them to talk about it. Or not…because just then he caught site of the decidedly muscular ass and thighs and couldn’t stop the groan that escaped.
“What?” Rodney was staring at him, perplexed.
“Oh, nothing, just thinking.” A flush rose up his cheeks and Rodney realized that he’d been putting on a display for Beckett. “You like that, huh?” His eyes twinkled.
Beckett grinned back, “Oh aye, turn around slowly and let me see ye.” And Rodney, much to his own surprise, did just that. Put himself on display. “Yer just beautiful, Rodney.” Carson’s brogue thickened with his lust, making it harder for Rodney to say no to anything. “C’mer…”
Both men were hard before their lips even touched. Rodney sank to his knees and Carson pulled him in, invading his mouth, plundering it with his tongue, overwhelming Rodney until neither of them could deny needing to breathe again.
“I want you.” Carson was breathless, intense, hand wrapped around the back of Rodney’s neck.
“Briefing….in an hour.”
“Skip it!”
“Oh god, Carson. I can’t.” The hand that had been holding him close strayed down to his cock, palming it and sliding down until the heavy balls that hung just below were cradled in his fingers.
“Are ye sure, luv?” He rolled each globe, brushing the skin behind the sack with his finger tips. Rodney lost all resolve and lowered himself, wanting more contact, pressing their cocks against each other when the hand that held him fell away. The dry, heat of skin brushing over skin gave way to slick fire as both men leaked and then it was over…quicksilver, bright lights, earthquakes and a million other clichés, neither wanting to hold out for long and slow. Hips bucked against one another and neither man knew who came first, just that for a minute both were wrapped in identical ecstasy.
“You’re going to kill me.” Rodney’s chest was heaving, forehead resting on Carson’s good shoulder.
“Never, but I do need you to move offa me, luv.” There was pain on Carson’s face and Rodney was stricken. “Oh sorry! Are you alright? Do we…”
“Shh, I’ll be fine, but I think we should both clean up before you have to go.” They lay wrapped around each other for a few minutes longer then Rodney stirred and made quick work of getting Carson showered and the bandages changed. Putting on yesterday’s dirty uniform he gave in to breakfast in the mess, so long as they stopped to let him change on the way. With a half hour to spare they settled in for breakfast. A number of people stopped by the table to wish Beckett well. When Radek drifted by Rodney looked up shyly and gestured to the seat next to Carson. “Join us?” The surprised smile he got in return made the gesture worth it. Carson was looking on with a glint of approval in his eyes.
They chit chatted about Carson and Radek’s recoveries, and Carson complained about Biro and Ikejaku keeping him on bedrest and away from work, which set Radek to laughing in delight. Carson scowled further only to set Rodney off as well. The two men were almost in tears, enjoying seeing the physician dosed with some of his own medicine, when John Sheppard and Elizabeth Weir came through the door. For a minute it was as if they’d all gone back in time. John looked over at the trio and grinned, his eyes twinkling at the thought of what might have set them off. Then Rodney looked up and the laughter died on his lips and John’s smile faltered in it’s wake. Rodney looked away as quickly as he could; it was Carson and Radek who caught the hurt that flashed through the Colonel’s eyes and the sadness in Elizabeth’s.
The two made their way through the breakfast line and over to another table across the room. It was only a few minutes later when Sheppard’s voice interrupted the quiet conversation that had finally started up at the scientists’ table. “Carson, good to see you out and about. Feeling better?”
“Thank you, John.” The two men exchanged courtesies, but there was a question in Sheppard’s eyes that was answered by a slight shrug from the doctor. “Yes I am, bit by bit.” Rodney had looked up long enough to see the exchange but then focused on his tray, not meeting either man’s gaze.
“That’s good.” He patted the uninjured shoulder and looked at the other two men sitting there. “Radek, good to see you too.”
“Thank you, Colonel. My head, it is too hard to do any real damage.”
“I could have told you that. But let’s not do it again, anyways.” The two men chuckled and Sheppard looked at his watch. “Meeting soon, guess I’d better be on my way. Carson, Radek.” He nodded to the two men and smiled. “Rodney.” McKay still didn’t look up to meet his eyes.
“It is time for me to get back to my room before my keepers will come for me.” Rodney looked at the Czech scientist oddly.
“You are not the only one with minions, Rodney. Biro and Ikejaku, they have a whole army of them. They use the threat of big needles to win the hearts and minds of the people.” That attempt to lighten the mood worked, and McKay smiled.
“Do you need help getting back?”
“No, I am fine. You take the doctor back to his room, then have good meeting. I think I like being invalid after all. There is less talk talk talk.” He left as the other two stood. Out in the hall, they headed for Carson’s quarters.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” They were walking slowly, at a pace Carson could handle without wearing down.
“Going on?”
“Oh come on, Carson. I saw the look between you and the Colonel.”
It was a few seconds before the doctor answered. “First, thank you for emailing John and Elizabeth yesterday. They came by while you were gone.”
Rodney nodded. He’d figured that they wouldn’t visit while he was around. While he had no desire to see them, he knew that Carson would.
“So?”
“So what?”
“So what did you tell them about how to get back in my good graces? That’s what the look was back there, wasn’t it?” If it came out a bit sharp and cynical, it couldn’t be helped. Carson stopped walking, hand steadying him against the wall.
“You know Rodney, hard as it may be to believe, not every conversation in Atlantis is about you.” And didn’t that just wipe the knowing look off Rodney’s McKay’s face. Carson was standing there and he was angry. Angrier than Rodney thought he’d ever seen the man. But they were in public and the Scotsman wouldn’t cause a scene.
“Carson, I’m sorry, I did…”
“For your information, Rodney, we didn’t talk about you being his friend again. I think the scene that played out in your room the other day got your message across. The Colonel was pretty detailed telling me about it. He and Elizabeth know they’re not wanted. They hate it, but they’ll learn to live with it.”
Now he was feeling outright guilty. When he’d seen Sheppard in the mess, just that split second after he’d shut down his laughter and wiped the smile off of John’s face, he’d seen the hurt and regret that John had buried behind the military presence. He’d ignored the other man after that, knowing he could inflict pain just by flaunting his own hurt. It was petty.
“And don’t think I didn’t notice how you played the Colonel back there.” Rodney’s eyes flew open in surprise, he could swear Beckett was reading his mind. “Didn’t think I caught it did you? So how long are you going to punish them for making a mistake? How long are they going to have to work at it to earn your trust back?”
Carson started walking again, leaving Rodney standing in the hallway staring, “You know, at least they stopped when they realized what they were doing. What’s your excuse?”
Rodney was the last to arrive at the conference room, slipping just before the meeting was scheduled to start. With Radek out of commission he’d had to start attending all of the meetings that he’d been delegating to his second in command. Before he could take his seat, Elizabeth spoke up, “Don’t sit down Rodney.” Everyone in the room froze, wondering what was going to hit the fan now. “Please follow me, all of you.”
She rose from her chair and walked past Rodney taking his arm lightly so that he had to walk next to her. They filed out onto the balcony overlooking the Gateroom and she stepped up to the railing. All activity had ceased the minute the senior staff had appeared overhead. Curious faces, scientist and military alike, stared up at them, waiting. Before Rodney could bolt, Weir gripped his arm more firmly, touched her earpiece so that her voice was broadcast throughout Atlantis, and cleared her throat.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like a word with you.” She made herself look Rodney in the eye, then back out over the staff. “I owe all of you, but most especially the Gateroom staff and Dr. McKay an apology. The day the Arcturus project exploded I failed you as the leader of this expedition, and I did it in the worst way possible, publicly and at the expense of an expedition member. Rather than accept that the responsibility for what happened that day rests solely with me, I berated Dr. McKay, placing the blame on him. And I forced everyone here to witness it. So I want to make it clear to all of you that as the leader of this expedition, the responsibility for what happens ultimately lies with me. I know that…” she turned to Rodney and looked him in the eye, “and I truly regret what my lack of leadership that day brought down on the members of this expedition. Rodney, I’m sorry.” She turned and left before he could lose the shocked, deer in the headlight expression. Stepping into her office, she was shaking and never heard the scattered applause that echoed behind her.
CHAPTER 15.
“Bloody Hell!” Carson was stunned as he listened to Elizabeth’s words over the citywide PA system. Never had he imagined her doing this. Rodney must be in shock. Radek had only gotten a few meters down the hall on his way back to his lab when he’d stopped to listen. He spun on his heel and headed back to Beckett’s room, gathering him and heading them off to the Gateroom.
Everyone stared at Rodney as he stared at Elizabeth’s retreating back. Unsure of what to do, the Gateroom staff went back to work. There was a lot of milling around among the people on the balcony when finally Dr. Amundsen, the head of the Geology department walked up to Rodney and shook his hand. “Dr. McKay, my apologies as well.” That seemed to trigger them all to move. Slowly they filed up to him, some just shaking his hand, others with words of contrition. Eventually he was left with just John standing there.
“Now it’s my turn. I’m sorry Rodney.” The colonel stood in front of McKay waiting for him to look up and meet his eyes. “I let my anger get in the way of my judgment. I know better than that.” Rodney just stared at him, not sure what to do or say. When he didn’t respond, John continued, “I think Elizabeth has more that she’d like to say….in private. Later this afternoon, I’d like the chance to talk to you too.”
Still at a loss for words, Rodney flushed, then nodded. John patted him on the arm then gave him a shove towards the door of Weir’s office. “Go ahead, she won’t bite.”
Weir was on the balcony, staring out over the water. It had become something of a cliché for Atlantis. If you needed time to think or just a break, you went for a balcony. Rodney debated leaving when he saw her leaning over the railing but he knew there was no avoiding this talk, only putting it off.
“Elizabeth?” She turned around at the sound of her name and stared at him, a speculative look on her face. She really had no idea what his response was going to be. She could imagine everything from gratitude to outrage. Regardless, she was content. After she’d calmed down and the shaking had stopped, she’d discovered a feeling of satisfaction growing where there had recently only been sadness. The choice was Rodney’s now, where they went from here. She could be content with whatever he decided. It might not be what she’d want or hope for, but she would accept it. She hoped, at the least, that he would hear her out. There were still things that needed to be said. She smiled shyly and motioned for him to join her. They stood there together, for a while, not saying anything. He seemed at ease, and that gave her some hope. At least the angry, cold Rodney of just a few weeks ago was gone.
“You didn’t need to do that.” He turned to look at her now, wanting to see her face.
“Yes I did, Rodney. You deserved it, so did they.” Her voice was calm, but there was genuine conviction in it, none the less. She had done what was needed.
“But you aren’t responsible for my arrogance.” She raised an eyebrow at that. “Well if we’re being honest here, I was pretty insufferable, even for me.” A hint of a smile played at the corner of his mouth.
“Be that as it may, Rodney, I was the one who gave you the final go ahead.”
“As if Sheppard and I gave you any choice.”
“Don’t overestimate yourself or Sheppard, Rodney. I made the decision, over my best judgment, because I wanted the weapon as badly as you did. I was so used to you pulling off miracles it never occurred to me that I’ve come to take them for granted.”
There was silence again for a while, this time it was Elizabeth who broke it. “Out there, I apologized for failing you as a leader.” She reached up to lay her hand on his arm. “Here, now, I want to apologize for failing you as a friend. I have no excuse for it. I was angry, frightened, we’d almost lost you and John. Living here has taught me a lot about friends. I don’t think I’d want to stay here if you or John were gone. Anyway, I’m sorry, Rodney, for not being the friend I should have been, the one you deserved.”
His hand came to rest over hers and they watched for a while longer before her earpiece crackled to life. “Dr. Weir? You’re needed in the Gateroom.”
“I’m coming.”
Rodney stood up with her, “No rest for the wicked?” There was a small smile on her face.
Radek and Carson were waiting outside on the balcony when the two emerged. Elizabeth glanced at them and smiled, then made her way over to the console where she was pulled into a discussion with two of the technicians who sat there.
“Rodney, he is your responsibility now.” Radek gestured towards Carson and left without further ado.
“So that was….unexpected.” They started down the hall, towards the doctor’s quarters.
“She about gave me a heart attack when I heard it citywide.” He was looking over at his companion. “I gather you talked afterwards.” They turned down a little used corridor. It wasn’t the most direct route back, but it was less traveled, more private.
“She apologized….for failing me as a friend.”
Rodney dropped Carson at his quarters, stayed to see the other man soundly asleep, then headed to the lab. The events of the morning played out over the next several hours, mostly as Rodney keeping to himself, more distracted than productive. Somewhere around 4PM, the lab door whooshed open and John walked in, stopping just over the threshold. Radek saw him and immediately shutdown his laptop, ushering the two technicians at the adjacent bench out ahead of him. Left alone, John walked over and plopped down on the stool next to Rodney.
“What’s this?” He reached for a small Ancient artifact that was sitting by Rodney’s laptop.
“Don’t touch!”
“Aw c’mon Rodney, it won’t hurt anything.”
“And you know that how?”
“Well, how can something so small be dangerous?”
“Does the word ‘nanites’ ring a bell, Colonel?”
John huffed, “Those weren’t Ancient!” causing Rodney to roll his eyes.
Rodney looked at him and scowled, “If you want to make yourself useful, go pick up that lumpy rectangle over there.” John flashed him a genuine smile and bounced up, grateful to have something to do.
“What does it do?”
“We don’t know.”
“But you know it’s not as dangerous as that one?” He pointed to the object he’d originally singled out. Rodney shrugged. They worked for two hours, Rodney giving instructions and John carrying them out, trying everything they could to activate the device. Finally, Sheppard’s stomach grumbled. Loudly.
“Sorry.” John looked slightly embarrassed. “Dinner?” Rodney glanced at the time then shook his head. “Carson’s gonna be expecting me.”
“Oh, of course.” He stood up to leave. “Look, Rodney, before I go, I …” He sucked in a breath to calm himself. “It was nice working with you again. I’ve missed this. I just….I’m sorry, for acting like a jerk, for being such a lousy friend.”
Rodney stared at him speculatively. He’d known when Sheppard walked in that the man wanted to apologize, but wasn’t surprised when they’d fallen into working together instead. Neither was particularly good with words, not the important ones. They spoke more in actions. It was really all Rodney had needed, but he appreciated the effort that went into saying the words.
“It’s okay, I mean, I’m not always…well, my ego almost got you killed. I should have listened to Radek. You had a good reason not to trust me.”
“I do trust you. Rodney. Always have.”
“Even when I let space weapons use us for target practice?”
John picked up the device they’d been working on, idly fingering the bumpy surface. “Yeah, well, I’d appreciate if we didn’t do that again anytime soon.” He expected a snarky comeback from Rodney but instead the scientist was staring, openmouthed, at Sheppard’s hand where a row of blue lights glowed to life.
“What did you do!”
“I don’t know!” John was just as astounded.
“What do you mean you don’t know? How can you turn it on and not know?! We’ve been working on it for two hours!”
“Rodney, I just picked it up. I didn’t do anything.”
“Well then don’t do anything exactly like you did before, because it worked! Come on, think John, what did you not do?”
"Rodney, I didn’t not do anything in particular, that I hadn’t not done for the last two hours and getting upset isn’t going to get me to not do it again any faster!”
“You know, I’m not sure I even want to know what this argument is about.” Carson’s soft brogue surprised them both. “Gentlemen.” He held out an arm indicating the way to the mess. Radek was standing beside him, having been summoned when it looked like Rodney would need prying from the lab. The foursome made their way to the mess, with John and Rodney bickering all the way.
Carson was in a teasing mood as he and Rodneywalked back to his quarters after dinner with Sheppard and Zelenka. “So to what do I owe this honor?”
“Hmmm?”
“You’re not going back to the lab.” He smiled at Rodney’s annoyed frown.
“I can arrange to if you don’t want to see me tonight….”
“Oh no you don’t, ye daft bugger. You’re not getting out of it now.” He nudged Rodney with his shoulder as they walked side by side.
Halfway to the residential section where their rooms were located, Carson picked up the train of thought he’d had at dinner. “You and the Colonel seem to have made amends.”
“It was good, working with him again. I’d missed it.”
“Just working with him?” Carson was curious how far their reconciliation had gone.
“No, you know better.”
“This has been quite a day.” He changed the subject slightly.
“I told Elizabeth she didn’t have to do that.” Rodney’s tone was slightly defensive.
“But you’re glad she did.” It didn’t take a genius to know that her public apology had spoken to the part of Rodney that had always been mocked and scorned by the world around him. Rodney nodded.
“So what made you decide to let go of it?” They’d arrived at Carson’s quarters and he thought the door open.
“Lots of things, but it started with you.” Now that surprised Carson and he sat down on the bed, waiting to hear more. Rodney walked over to the windows and looked out on the night sky, continuing with his explanation after he’d turned to see the puzzled expression on the doctor’s face. “The day you said you were mad at me but you still loved me. See, my parents didn’t. They were always mad, fighting, and they didn’t love me, well not me or Jeannie really, or even each other. So I’ve always just assumed that those things… and well then you… and it occurred to me….” He stopped abruptly, trapping his fluttering hands under his arms. “I’m not making any sense. See you shouldn’t ask me this sort of thing. I’m lousy at it.”
Carson stood up and moved over to lean in next to his lover. “So you’re still friends, and the rest is working itself out?” He felt Rodney nod next to him.
“And us?”
“You said I still had a lot of making up to do.” Rodney turned to brush a gentle kiss across his lips.
“Oh. Aye, that you do, and it’s time you started.”
THE END
Go back to chapters
More stories by